Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Roseanne Barr For President




Roseanne Barr announced on Jay Leno's Tonight Show that she will be (seriously) running for president in the 2012 election! This isn't actually new news, on Mother's Day last year, she decided to post up in front of the White House (standing on a soap box labeled "soap box") and ramble on to absolutely nobody about her reasoning behind running, and what she intends to do - and also announce her intention to run for Prime Minister of Isreal. At the time, I'm not sure she was completely serious about either intentions, so I count her "announcement" on Leno as a valid first announcement. However, I was unaware of her 2010 Mother's Day speech, so I shall dissect it and yall can deal with it. [watch the video]
I'm here today to announce that after a lifetime in TV and show business, and even tougher, raising five children and five grandsons, I have, thanks to much prayer and meditation decided to pursue a less stressful future. I, Roseanne Barr, am simply going to fix everything.
Hell yes. She's been in and out of the public eye, raised 5 children, produced an intoxicatingly hilarious TV show, and managed to remain (relatively) sane through all of it. Is she qualified? I say yes. She could even make up her own random political party and I'd still vote for her...
To begin curing this world, I am officially running for President of these United States of America, as well as Prime Minister of Israel (a two-fer) on the brand new "Green Tea Party" ticket.
Solid. 
As all political candidates in America must do, I will refer constantly to my particular religion, which happens to be The Church of Common Sense. Its laws and gospels are nothing more than practical, simple solutions to the problems that currently plague humanity, and I will incorporate all these religious values into my campaign platform.
She goes on to claim she can obtain world peace within one year using a 3 step program:

  1. Make war illegal and legalize Hemp - Technically these have nothing to do with one another and should be considered 2 steps. Within this step she only talks about the war on drugs, which is a dynamic subject considering the legalities of individual countries. She really only refers to the US here, rather than world peace.
  2. Change the Demographics of Government - Population statistics (% of women, % living in poverty, etc.) will determine representation from each respective group. "1/6 [of the Green Tea Party] will be officially poor." I love this idea. The public should have control of public funds, and the rich do not make up a majority of the public, therefore should not be handing public need. She makes a side note calling 1 million American "Bitches" to march next Mothers Day, which was actually this mother's day, so dang. I heard nothing about this march actually occurring.
  3. Outlaw Bullsh*t - The concept of War itself will crumble.
Her platforms:

World politics
-Remain the world's police force, but arrest the guilty - and by guilty she means the corporate villains.
-All empty political seats (made empty after arresting and beheading the corrupt) will be filled with grandmothers who have "pledged to create heaven on earth for all children and animals and all humans."
-"War profiteering is punishable by the Guillotine."
-"Presidents, Prime Ministers and Queens... will be required to fight in the very first infantry wave of any war they authorize."

Capitalism
-Combine Capitalism and Socialism until someone comes up with a better idea, but allow the elderly to receive their retirement. "A system that rewards hard work and ambition but cares for its weakest child." Social welfare, public education, and public healthcare will be honored.

Mid-East Crisis
-Issue will be regarded as a Labor issue rather than a religious issue.
-Consequently, all religious books that speak toward burning witches and executing homosexuals will be considered irrelevant. 
-Pay the Palestinian people not to shoot at Israelis"We can put the Pal back into Palestinian!"


Pirates, capitalism, Fem-Nazis, common sense, and much more are discussed, and yall should go read it!

Seriously. I love this woman. I understand that illuminating tax, as she discussed in her interview with Leno, would make all of her aspirations extremely difficult to obtain, but the ideas are what count. Obviously I am not serious about supporting the use of a guillotine in any form of punishment, but then I suspect neither is she. I suport Roseanne Barr for President.

1 comment:

  1. Firstly, I want to say that this classmates blog post is completely inspirational. Not only does Roseanne Barr for president sound like a great idea, especially with all the commone sense, practical ideals that she holds but because she stands for everything someone should be when running for president! You shouldn't have to be big time or politically corrupted to run for president, you SHOULD be a driven, hardworking individual with a platform FOR THE PEOPLE. I absolutely love this.


    Her goals are simple: arrest the corrupted (which would probably make up most of the political offices held today), outlaw war (because as history tells in America, the goals of war are a little skewed and again, probably corrupted), turn public funds back into the hands of the PUBLIC not the rich, and most importantly, outlaw all the BS that goes on constantly throughout our everyday, American life. My question is: why aren't all these GOP candidates focusing on the same issues? Aren't these just as IMPORANT? But then again, the presidential race is more about winning then it is about actually changing what is messed up.


    Roseanne Barr, you symbolize everything that a presidential candidate should possess: solid, logical ideas and strategies that will make this country a better place to live. People like this give me hope that the American Dream isn't just a "dream," that peace itself isn't just a word that is thrown around for a political agenda, that it exists and there are people who truely wish to enfore it, rather than war. Thanks you, Andrea, for the post!

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